Loss

Today was supposed to a very happy day. Today I was supposed to proudly say to the world, I'm 12 weeks pregnant! But sadly today I am making a different kind of announcement, I had a miscarriage. I don't want to share my story for self pity, or to bring everyone down, but instead it is for my release. As I have been going through this unfortunate journey I have turned to the internet a lot for comfort in other women's stories, and hopefully if someone reads this that has gone through the same thing, or knows someone who has, it will be a little bit of comfort for them. 

Zach and I decided that we were going to start trying for kids in April. I went from mellow to completely neurotic about the whole process in about one day haha. I purchased those ovulation sticks which never had a positive reading, and I was convinced that we struck out for our first try. We were definitely not pregnant. Well a couple weeks later, the day I was supposed to start my period, I was also scheduled for dental surgery. Even though I was convinced I was 100% not pregnant, I took a test just in case. Imagine my shock when it was positive! I had always thought I would tell Zach that I was pregnant in a super cute way, but I was just too full of shock to hold it in. I ran over to him right away and we celebrated that special moment. 

From that moment on I was living in a new reality. Zach and I spoke of miscarriage, but never really stopped to grasp what that would mean. We knew we weren't supposed to plan to much, but we quickly started strategizing our new life. We properly freaked out about how we were going to handle raising our little one (fun fact, my discounted daycare is $1,700+ a month), and properly got excited for all the good that came with a baby (a New Years Baby!). It was only three weeks, but it seriously felt like a lifetime. 

Three days after we silently celebrated Mother's Day, one day before I was supposed to be seven weeks pregnant, and two days before our first doctor's appointment, I was kept awake with really bad cramps. I tried to comfort myself and say it would be okay, but at 4 in the morning I saw blood and I knew the worst was happening. Over the next 12 hours Zach and I went from the hospital to the doctors office for a series of painful and drawn out tests to confirm our worst fears ... I was miscarrying. What I never knew about this, its not a just a painful day in your life, miscarrying is a process that can take weeks. I remember thinking how cruel it was, not only did I have to lose my baby, but I had to be in intense pain too. The physical pain subsided after a couple of days for me, but it was followed by the emotional onslaught of having to go back to the doctors office every week (sitting in a waiting room with beautiful pregnant ladies, and their super cute husbands) for blood work until all my pregnancy hormones went away (four weeks). The emotional pain has gone from soul crushing, to dull and ever-present, but I am pretty sure that is something that Zach and I will always carry with us. Last week I nearly lost it as my Dad opened his Father's Day presents. We were going to give him a framed picture of the ultrasound to announce our pregnancy to the family. I know it will probably always be like that for milestones like these that we never got to experience. 

To my family and friends who have been so amazing during this process, thank you, I am very blessed to have you in my life. To those who have experienced this incredible heartbreak, I am so sorry. And to my baby that never got to make it to this world, you will forever be loved.